Up Before The Bench

Chris Elliott 2018

I first check out me belts and braces
So I’m not inconvenienced in any chases
I checks me whistle I checks me watch
I checks me truncheon I check the lot
Now I’m as smart as any bobby that you’ll ever see
If her majesty popped by she could rely on me
So I’m ready for me beat and ready for all of thee
I’ll be up before the bench in the morning.

With me notebook at and me pencil
I shall carefully take down
Details of the outrage that occurred at the crown
And when I get the name of home
That knocked the landlord down
He’ll be up before the bench in the morning

Whilst passing by the angel
It was drawn to my attention
That drinking after hours was taking place
As I entered the public house
It fell as quiet as a mouse
They’ll be up before the bench in the morning

At the rear of Fossets Mill
Wi’ a coffin in the back
Stood old Stansfields hearse
Had there been an accident
Had thee been a death
I opended up the coffin lid
And took a deep breath
It were full rolls cloth
There were no room left
He’ll be up before the bench in the morning

In the course of my duties
It was necessary to call, in at the Blacksmiths Arms
A complaint has been received
It were precise and it were clear
That the landlord of the Blacksmiths had watered down the beer
But after testing out the evidence….all became clear
No need for the bench in the morning

I spied Alderman Trickett crossing the road
Swaying from side to side
As it had just struck two
Id a little hunch
That Alderman Trickett
Had had a heavy lunch
Six pints of Grimshaws and a large rum punch
He’ll be up before his own bench….in the morning

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